My Lethargic Life

Hello, world. It's been awhile, and I've missed you.

I'm not quite sure where to start in this whole confusing narrative of my life right now, so I guess I'll just leap in headfirst and hope it makes some sort of sense at some point.

Right now, I'm going through a hard point in my life. For most of the life I can remember, I've always had writing, no matter what else was frustrating me in the real or online worlds. I could always sit down, shake out the old fingers, and let creativity flow onto the page. It was something I could hold onto, something that I could turn back on and use to remind myself that I had worth, even when the rest of the world seemed to disagree. I'm reading my blog posts from last year, and I sound like such an intriguing and interesting person! I'm funny, I have a prodigious vocabulary, I have decent comic timing. I feel like I've lost that person, somehow, and it terrifies me. I'm not sure if it's because my English class has involved minimal writing this year, or because my brain is currently mutinying after being forced into months of hard labor as an essay-producing machine earlier in senior year, but I'm feeling seriously rusty. My vocabulary seems to have regressed about 10 steps, and half the time I feel like I can't even put sentences together, that I have to think way too long to find the right words, when it used to come so naturally.

I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me -- the one ability that I could always tell myself I had, no matter what, seems to be slipping away, and during a college admissions season already grating on my self-esteem...this isn't something I need.

Sometimes, I have spurts of what feels like my old self - happy, bubbly, sarcastic, involved, interested. But sometimes, I feel like that girl takes a few days off, and I'm left, scared and alone, trapped within my own skull.

I have realized that whenever I'm able to produce some writing I'm proud of, it makes me feel better about myself (which in turn makes me more comfortable and more able to produce good writing, etc) and keeps me out of the downward cycle of sinking into depressed lethargy, which I can assure you does no favors to my rusty old brain. So, in some proactive attempt at climbing out of this whole I've so masochistically dug for myself, I'm going to try to write, every day. I know I've said it before, but I'm really going to hold myself to it, and I really need you, as my friends, to keep me honest as well. This is one of those things that, in moments of clarity, I realize will be good for me in the long run, but which, at certain specific points, I try to wriggle my way out of for convenience's sake.

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? Everyone keeps telling me it's senioritis, and it will pass, but I guess I'm just fishing for some confirmation.

Also, any of my friends who are reading this, I would be unspeakably, incredibly grateful if you could leave me questions/blog topics in your comments, either here on Blogspot or on Facebook. The wood of my creativity fire is a little wet, as previously described, so I need sparks to really get it going, and having something to write about makes this whole process easier than just sitting down in front of a blank screen and hoping I can blink some meaning into it.

Peace. Love. Happiness. (Hopefully soon, even if not now)
Cody

P.S. If you're wondering why this was posted during school hours, I'm home from school with dizziness and a headache.